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Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store