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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.