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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave