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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"