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ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....