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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
My mom says I`m special.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.