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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?