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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.