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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?