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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.