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If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.