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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!