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I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Can I get likes for no reason?
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.