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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
Being normal is boring.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.