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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.