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In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
facebooked yo mama!!!
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes