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Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.