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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
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I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.