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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
Honk if you wanna see the finger
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.