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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Siri, where are my pants?
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.