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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
This status is mine....I licked it.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.