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Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.