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You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.