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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
I’m sad when my food is over.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.