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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.