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I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....