Daily Silly Status

Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.

Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?

I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.

I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves

I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.

There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.

Keep honking. I´m reloading.

I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.

Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule

I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.

My misery likes tequila, not company.

The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.