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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Better late than pregnant.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
You had me at 0 mutual friends