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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
There`s no WE in pizza.