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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
My internet goes out more than I do.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.