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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Match dot com, but for socks.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.