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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I`m perfect you adjust.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.