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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.