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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”