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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.