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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?