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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.