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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.