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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.