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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)