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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.