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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...