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Does this status update make me look fat?
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
Gun Control: Use both hands
The problem with diets is pizza.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.