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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...