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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control