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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.