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I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.