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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Do bees even have knees?
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.