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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.