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Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.