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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.