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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.