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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.