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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"