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Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.