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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.