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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
I have Beer.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?