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Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!