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*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
It should really be called teethpaste.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.