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Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?