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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.