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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?