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I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.