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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off