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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.