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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.