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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life