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I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.