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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.