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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage