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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?